Let it Go

I have a condition that I rarely discuss with others, yet here I am about to tell the world. I'm fairly sure it's not terminal but I think it's serious enough to seek professional help.

You see, I'm a junk-a-holic. My closet is so crammed with stuff that it often spills out onto the bedroom floor when the least little thing is disturbed in there. The simple act of removing a pair of sweat pants from the top shelf could set off an avalanche with unpredictable results. One moment you’re getting ready for bed, and the next you’re in the emergency room with a concussion.

I have boxes under my bed that have been there for years. Recently when I pulled one out to see what it contained, I found a dust bunny as big as a Collie in there. I realized that it was all junk from when we lived in the trailer back in the late 1970’s.

There was a car part from my old 1964 Plymouth Valiant, eight-track tapes, and about forty golf balls. I have no idea where the golf balls came from and that’s a little disturbing in a way that’s hard to explain. There were magazines in there published before my niece was born – she starts to college this fall.

One of my friends advised me to get one of those out-buildings. I was embarrassed to tell him that I already own one. We also have an old house and barn on the back of the property and all are so stuffed they should probably be condemned.
It wouldn't be so bad, but I think I infected my wife too because she has scary things in the makeup drawer in her bathroom. There is an old tube of lipstick with something growing on it, which makes it resemble a science project. I'm actually afraid to look under our sink.
I really believe we need a junk-ectimy. Truth is, we could discard half the stuff in our house and we'd probably never miss it.
How do you find yourself in this condition? It develops slowly. "I think I'm going to keep this Good Housekeeping because it has some great recipes." Or maybe, "honey, I'm going keep this used inkjet cartridge because I plan to buy one of those refill kits and save us a bunch of money on printer cartridges." The next thing you know you have to turn sideways just to squeeze by the stacks of old newspapers that are awaiting transport to the recycle bin.
We have a friend that abides by this philosophy: if you aren't currently using it and can replace it with little effort, then trash it and buy a new one if the need arises. Her house looks like it came right out of Southern Living.

I’m sure she’s never experienced the satisfaction of losing a hard-to-find bolt off the lawn mower and finding a perfect replacement in a rusty bucket of old bolts you keep in the barn for just such occasions. I know, I know, that doesn't justify sacrificing ALL the space on your property.
This weekend, I plan to clean out the shed. It is my intention to be brutal. I mean it. Does anyone need a pair of used post-hole digger handles or a Southern Living magazine from 1978?